broadcast outcast

I try not to get too personal on this here blog.  Its intent is to give a glimpse into life as a grad student at Medill–not simply to be a forum for my brain sludge and/or musings.

I am breaking with that goal for today.

Today was a full day.  We held funeral services for my grandmother.  My mother read a tearful eulogy to the woman she spoke with on the telephone nearly every day of her adult life.  I cannot imagine  how difficult it was.  And yet, she did well.  She should have cried.  She did.  But she got through her written words without completely breaking down.  It was a catharsis, I think, for my mom.  She has suffered alongside my grandmother throughout her dementia, cancer, and general decline in health.  It is inevitable for a body to break down.  It is not inevitable for a spirit to break down.  My grandmother was lost to us, at least for me, when my grandfather passed away three years ago.  Yes, she was still alive.  But her mental faculties worsened, and I could see at his funeral that something left her that day.  Nearly three years to the day, she left the rest of us behind.

Today was spent crying in the morning, consoling one another, and gathering afterward to celebrate the family we have.   Through time, people do drift apart.  But today has made me realize, again, that it is wrong to dwell on what hurts.  My grandmother loved us dearly.  She was kind-hearted.  But she would not want me or anyone else to put our lives on hold.

Some time last night, I felt a spark that perhaps was missing over the last few weeks for me.  I am 25.  I have a bright future in a career I have chosen.  Every day presents new challenges to me.  That’s what I live for.

From this vista I return to Chicago re-energized in many ways.  I know that my mom is okay.  My sister-in-law has a healthy child on the way.  And I see more now that I was allowing one confusing relationship to drag me down rather than exploring what else I had out there.  As a perfectionist, I think I can solve anything.  It’s not true.  But that doesn’t prevent me from thinking it.  The assignments I’ve turned in this quarter make me feel dissatisfied.  I know I can do better.  I will.  But even with this relationship, I was thinking of angles to make things better.  To be honest, there’s little I can do at present.  She was great.  Are we meant to be?  I never really thought so.  But that didn’t stop me from caring about her.  And it shouldn’t lead me to being bitter about the whole ordeal.

Rather than dropping some cliché here, I want to say that I plan to be more energized and focused come tomorrow.  I want to be great at what I do.  I want people around me to feel happy when I walk in a room.  And more than anything, I feel re-focused on my goals.   They are attainable.

Time to get busy working.