I am breaking with that goal for today.

Today was a full day.  We held funeral services for my grandmother.  My mother read a tearful eulogy to the woman she spoke with on the telephone nearly every day of her adult life.  I cannot imagine  how difficult it was.  And yet, she did well.  She should have cried.  She did.  But she got through her written words without completely breaking down.  It was a catharsis, I think, for my mom.  She has suffered alongside my grandmother throughout her dementia, cancer, and general decline in health.  It is inevitable for a body to break down.  It is not inevitable for a spirit to break down.  My grandmother was lost to us, at least for me, when my grandfather passed away three years ago.  Yes, she was still alive.  But her mental faculties worsened, and I could see at his funeral that something left her that day.  Nearly three years to the day, she left the rest of us behind.

Today was spent crying in the morning, consoling one another, and gathering afterward to celebrate the family we have.   Through time, people do drift apart.  But today has made me realize, again, that it is wrong to dwell on what hurts.  My grandmother loved us dearly.  She was kind-hearted.  But she would not want me or anyone else to put our lives on hold.

Some time last night, I felt a spark that perhaps was missing over the last few weeks for me.  I am 25.  I have a bright future in a career I have chosen.  Every day presents new challenges to me.  That’s what I live for.

From this vista I return to Chicago re-energized in many ways.  I know that my mom is okay.  My sister-in-law has a healthy child on the way.  And I see more now that I was allowing one confusing relationship to drag me down rather than exploring what else I had out there.  As a perfectionist, I think I can solve anything.  It’s not true.  But that doesn’t prevent me from thinking it.  The assignments I’ve turned in this quarter make me feel dissatisfied.  I know I can do better.  I will.  But even with this relationship, I was thinking of angles to make things better.  To be honest, there’s little I can do at present.  She was great.  Are we meant to be?  I never really thought so.  But that didn’t stop me from caring about her.  And it shouldn’t lead me to being bitter about the whole ordeal.

Rather than dropping some cliché here, I want to say that I plan to be more energized and focused come tomorrow.  I want to be great at what I do.  I want people around me to feel happy when I walk in a room.  And more than anything, I feel re-focused on my goals.   They are attainable.

Time to get busy working.

Things didn’t start out great.

Without going into details, the concept of “extra” web editor was new–and I was the very first to do it.  Needless to say, some quirks need to be worked out.  Stuff that I thought would take me maybe an hour took closer to two and a half.

Two buttons popped off my shirt.  That wasn’t good.  I sewed them back on later, but still.

The story I was working on that day fell apart when sources didn’t call me back.  That sucked.  It was about a deadline that day, but ended up not really being a story.  Again, it sucked.

I was in the newsroom until 5:45 on Friday.  I was done with class at 12.  That sucked.

I found out some time in there that my grandma had less than 10 days left on this earth.

So that night, I went out for a drink with some friends from school.  We were in Andersonville, keeping it low-key.  I felt bad because one of my friends is now seeing a girl I go to school with, who happens to be close friends with the girl I was seeing before.  Not wanting to deal with that whole situation, I reluctantly didn’t call back, figuring they’d all be together.

I get to the bar, and my friend is not there, but the girl he is seeing, along with the girl I was seeing, are there.  Begin awkward dynamic.  Others told me after the fact that they felt uncomfortable.  I tried to play it cool and talked to other people.  Apparently things still need to be ironed out.

Saturday and Sunday were spent watching football.  Good.

Monday, I had the day off and ran errands.  Good.

Tuesday, my brother called me on my way to the newsroom to say my grandma had less than 48 hours left.  That didn’t start my day well.  By noon, she was gone.  That wasn’t easy to deal with.  I carried on through my day and told a couple of people that she had died, but I finished the story I’d been working on Friday.  I didn’t want to cause a scene.

Wednesday I covered a CTA protest, but was more or less backup for another reporter, since it was in his beat. I didn’t want to step on his toes.  I tried to film video and take still photos, but neither turned out well–you can only do one or the other.  Not both.  I turned my pictures into a slideshow, which I ended up unhappy with.  I had to take audio from the video I’d shot, chop that, export audio only, convert the audio, open that in Audacity, chop that, edit down, export for Soundslides.  Needless to say, with all the technical difficulties on top of being distracted, my project wasn’t crisp.  It wasn’t even good.

Then, I couldn’t get my story uploaded for about an hour.  The CMS was so slow.  I was going nuts.

Today, I flew home to be with family and to bury my grandmother.  It has been a tough 7 days.  Will I get through it?  Surely.  I’m not one to stay down long.  But I was near my breaking point about 36 hours ago.

I spent the day moving furniture from my grandmother’s room in the old folks’ home.  It wasn’t fun.  But it had to be done.  This is what you do for family.

One of the few people on this earth I can say I love with no reservations was taken away this week.  That hurts.  But I will make her proud in the coming weeks and years.  She wouldn’t want me to mope over this.   And I don’t plan to.